The moment we’ve all mom has been waiting for…

Kids are tucked in bed under threat. Hubs is already working up to a soft growling snore.

It’s “Me Time.”(i.e. the twilight zone (see homeschool nightmares) for everything I, and the world, forgot to worry about today)

I’ve got my pillows fluffed, the TV volume low on a movie I’ve seen at least 3,000 times, I’m nibbling something chocolate while simultaneously reading the book that has waved from my night stand each time I hurried past earlier today.

The little 6lb dog sitting at the end of the bed knows to pretend to be a stuffed animal and look away if I eat the whole sleeve of cookies if he wants to remain in this exhausted mom’s personal space and time.

Ahh, yeah.

11:04pm: Who Am I Kidding?

Book falls on face. Face cusses loudly yelps in pain. Hubs snorts in half wakened annoyance.

Dang it. I’m too tired to read another page. (a lie I tell myself)  In fact, I’ll probably have to read the last two pages again tomorrow, because, either this book is going to be horrifyingly realistic, or I just dreamed that my husband bought a haunted estate in “the north country,” which I am now struggling to turn into a B&B after mysteriously losing my position at the bank and changing my identity.

Either way, I clearly need to grab a Topo-Chico and keep reading turn the lamp off already.

Tomorrow is another day, and we are trying to keep a more scheduled homeschool morning this year. Yup, time for sleep. Blasted.

Let me just check that I set my alarm.

Wait. What do we have planned tomorrow? Better check my calendar too and Facebook and Instagram and my 3 email accounts.

Great. Just homeschool lessons at home, then maybe the gym.

Oh good, we canceled the meeting for the thing my son decided he’d rather not do.

Okay. Lamp off. Roll over.

Sigh. Close eyes.

Eyes burst wide open.

Wait! Why does he not want to do the thing? Is he being lazy, hardheaded or is he truly not interested?

Am I being lazy, cheap, introverted a pushover by letting him out of the commitment he begged me to sign him up for less than a week ago?

I’m not sure he is involved in enough stuff outside of this house to pad his transcript. He does have… (ticks off current extracurriculars on one hand above head in the dark).

And he needs to focus most of his time on academics SAT hacks if he wants to get a scholarship to that competitive university we can’t afford cause we like to eat and accrue barely used sporting equipment.

Still, he would make more friends if he joined, which is something else he’s been bugging me about though he is genetically introverted and should face the fact he is his own hurdle. Hmph. (Grabs phone and rereads info on activity in question.)

Well, I’ll project my worries on  ask him about it again in the morning.

“Nothing…nothing…nothing…” accidentally audible.

Stern voice of God breaks into my thoughts. Hubs: “What is wrong with you!?”

Me: Everything and no one cares. “Sorry.”

Tries counting sheep.

12:17am: Sheep Spread Disease

Completed mental list of pros and cons for raising farm animals and joining 4H…

even though we live in a gated neighborhood with an HOA that barely allows children doesn’t even allow wooden fences facing the road, much less Black Sumatra Roosters; which are a thing that I just discovered when Googling “fancy chickens.”

Will the US Air Force Academy and Rice University be equally impressed with my twins’ ability to decipher animal scat and lead a goat around an arena?

Oh Holy Homeschool Hell! How did I end up here tonight?

Lord, send an intervention!  I’ve contracted “Little House on the Prairie disease.”

Okay, I’ll go pee and get a sip of water.

Then it’s off to “Bed-fordshire” I think to myself with a perfect British inflection.

12:58am: Sleepless in France

Raving headcase has relocated to the couch to peruse foreign language curriculum.

Obviously Spanish makes the most sense… since their father is basically ESL and they could eavesdrop on the in-laws for me communicate with their great grandmother.

But German would be fun for boys, what with all the hocking and spitting.

Oh, but we could learn French! And we could make  eat croissants, crepes, and French fries.

French fries aren’t actually French are they?

I love that movie in France about the lady who opens a chocolatier with hot chocolate thick enough to spread on a toothbrush. What was it called?….

(turns on NetFlix for research purposes) Right, “Chocolat”!

2:46 am: Making Lists

Movies played on mute: 2. Movies watched: 0. Games of spider solitaire: 71.

Manic Mental To-do List:

Minutes of sleep: 0.

Bored with own thoughts and worn out from mental worry-thon.

Maybe if I get back in bed I’ll just complete my descent into madness crash?

Get the complete book of Homeschool Laughs!

2:55am: Acceptance

Still awake, but back in bed. No longer fighting psychosis trying to fall asleep. Enjoying life as a barn owl.

Considering just getting up for the day, making coffee and writing all my thoughts down in a hilarious blog post like this one or this one lesson plans and tackling recently imagined 2am to-do list.

But, if I wake the kids we’ll be done with school by 7am, tired, cranky and ready to set each other on fire by noon.

3:11am: Final Analysis

Have analyzed and diagnosed all personality disorders of 1st degree relatives and their pets.

Doorbell rings. The neighbor came over in a snow suit to borrow a cup of fertilizer and ask about socialization.

I think I might be asleep?

Shakes self awake. Yup. I was asleep.

Maybe I should read about the symptoms of…

Rudely shaken Annoyingly tapped awake by child who is oblivious that I just came off a 12 hour shift in the psyche ward screaming in overly dramatic distress and outrage.

Child in harms way: “M-O-M! There’s only enough Fruit Loops for one bowl and I called it last night. But, HE’S EATING IT!”

Me: “Tell your litter mates brothers to come here.”

Untwists nightgown. Prepares for morning announcements.

Other children arrive, one with bowl of contraband looking smug and satisfied. Snatch bowl from his hands and begin eating the cereal clearly made for the fruit loop mom who didn’t get enough sleep to teach good citizenship before coffee.

“Alright. I was up all night thinking, and I have decided we’re not raising chickens or goats.” 

Kids look to each other in awe of this stunning revelation in total confusion and concern.

“Also, you need to pick your topic for science fair by Friday. There’s only 5 months till showtime. Mark your calendars, we’re starting SAT test prep next summer. And we’re doing Spanish for our foreign language, but we’re going to eat French food, cause croissants y’all. Now get some breakfast and lets be awesome today.” And get some sleep tonight.

This content was originally published here.